like most women, i have struggled with my body my whole life. there has not really been a time that i can remember being happy with the body i had when i had it.
also like most women, my body has been a point of contention most of my life. i exist in a family of
extremely physical people - my dad is a cyclist and before that used to run and hike like a madman. my stepmom kite boards and did yoga for years. both of my parents are extremely physically fit - skinny, tiny, slim, everything. and i, unfortunately, am not.
and i'm the first to admit it - my body ain't what she used to be, unfortunately. i was in dance class for 3 years in high school, loved it. but that was my only outlet for physical activity. yes, i do envy the body i had at 18 years old, and i wish i could go back in time to tell my 18-year-old-self to appreciate it. but even then, i hated my body because for some reason, i wasn't as skinny as the 'popular' girls.
here is what's happened in the last 4 years:
yes i was skinnier then than i am now, but a different kind of change has occurred in me. it isn't as much about what is on the outside - i feel great things happening for me on the inside.
believe me, i do not pitty myself or spend time being jealous of the old me. in fact, i don't think i would go back to being 18 if you paid me. yeah, being young and reckless (and skinnier, apparently) is fun, but my life is so much richer now than it was my senior year..
- i have someone in my life who loves me as much, if not more, than he did 4 years ago
- i am not as apologetic for the way i am - love me or leave me!
- i have learned to accept my physical limitations - my hips will never allow me to be a size 0
- after being virtually sedentary for at least a couple of years, i now go to the gym at least 4 times a week
- even though i still have bad days, there are many ways in which i am beautiful, both on and beneath the surface
the best part about growing is learning - and i still have far more of both to do. i need to learn not to let my family's comments about their concern for my health & self-confidence bother me; i know they mean it from a good place, which i appreciate, but i need to reassure myself that they love me not matter what size or shape i am, because i know i do.
there was a really great 2-part series on
gala darling's blog recently about body image in the blogosphere. click here for
part 1 and
part 2 - you really should give it a read. one reassuring thing is that
everyone has body image baggage - even the people you think are 'perfect' or 'have it all.'
i don't think any woman should ever look at herself and hate what she sees in the mirror. it shouldn't be about if you can fit into a designer's sample sizes or having the same body type as heidi klum. i am a believer in if you don't like something about yourself - change it.
but: do it because you want it. lose weight if you feel that's what you need to love yourself. if you don't need to hit the gym 7 days a week to love yourself, then don't.
yes, there are things i want to change about my body, and i love myself for working on them. other than that, here's what i have to say:
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until next time..
<3 alaina
